You can only mask the pain for so long.
You’re immersed in selfishness, it won’t be soon before long until you drown.
I texted her, “I am outside,” as I gently walked the path towards her home. It was dark out and the air was crisp, calm. It was hard to discriminate what was in front of me or if I was going to run into or step on anything. My eyes adjusted to the dim lighting and I could just barely see. I halted before her front door and the lights flickered on - so bright. Then I glanced to the left side of her house, her side patio. I reminisced on the moments we had back there. How we all use to chill on her comfortable chairs and couches with blankets piled on top of us, protecting us from the frigid night time air and bugs flying around. I pictured peeling and eating oranges, playing cards, or even doing homework and studying. I heard the 50s and 60s blues and soul playing ever so soothingly in the background and our laughter filling the empty atmosphere. My imagination was cut-
Her front door ajar. She opened the door and smiled. I peaked through and glanced at her, wearing a pink sweater, shorts, and fur slippers. I did not know what was to come, I did not know why I really came. But I did.
I walked in her quiet house, everyone was sleeping. I shuffled my way to her room. The door was closed. A light was escaping along the rim of the door. She opened the door. Right when I walked in, I smelled the aroma of her room. It had a hint of cocoa, something rather familiar that had her written all over it.
I sat down on the edge of her bed. It creaked. She was arranging her room, putting clothes away in her chromatic color schemed closet and collecting some clothes in paper bags to give away. While I waited, my curious eyes wandered around her room. I remembered every little memory made, it wasn’t much, but the quality of each memory I did cherish so much. How I took almost every moment for granted, thinking there would be a thousand more. Now, how it is sadly impossible to even imagine another moment with all of us. I want it back, but know it will never happen again.
She put some music on and dimmed the lighting. Setting the mood for a deep conversation. She lay down under her Harry Potter blanket, and I repositioned myself to face her.
It was really weird. Something I can’t explain. How I trust her so easily and yet how she is so closely linked to what had emotionally distressed me and drove me to her house.
I started to spill out all of my emotions to her. My brain was soaked in so many feelings and thoughts that I needed to drain them out somewhere. She is perfect. Open minded, and so willing to be that shoulder to lean on. I no longer had my best friend to confide in, but she was there.
It’s funny, well actually it’s not, but it is ironic that we both were heart broken. Both on the same boat, under a torturous storm. Something hard to face on ones own. We shared our thoughts and wallowed in each other’s presence, because to me, it was very much needed. We settled our thoughts, and I ended up sleeping over since it was late into the night.
The lights were turned off. The music still playing in the background. We both lay in bed. I tried to fall asleep but my negative thoughts kept flooding my brain. She broke the silence and said, “what are you thinking about.” It was quite unexpected since I thought she was falling asleep, but yet she could hear my thoughts pouring out into the silent room. She knows me too well.
She kept comforting me, telling me things would be alright. That I would be okay. I very much believed it. I believed we both would be okay. Things happen for a reason. It’s all meant to be.
I fell asleep.
Going to her house that night, was possibly one of the best things that I had done in these past two weeks. Only because I have made a lot of poor decisions all throughout and felt like I was being used. But, in this house, in this room, with this special person, I felt wanted, cared for, welcomed.
These unfortunate events have happened so abruptly and wounds were made rather effortlessly. Now an extensive amount of time is needed to mend our broken hearts. One thing I know is we are going to make it out of these adversities. Stronger and more experienced.
I am a hopeless romantic. But still I recognize, even if it’s just a glimmer, that there is hope.
tinamangubat asked: You should write a book. I hope all is well. <3 Tina
:D Why should I write a book? lol
But, everything is getting better. Thanksss bananabutt
Anonymous asked: Everything always happens for a reason. You deserve nothing less than a women that will treat you like a king, and time will allow that to happen :)
Hmmm, same anonymous? I agree with you, everything does happen for a reason. If I knew you, I would tell you a myriad moments that occurred these past couple of weeks that screamed fate.
I hope! :) I am a patient person. I can wait.
Ever feel that invisible weight lift up off your shoulders?
Right now … that’s me.
It’s about one o’clock. I cannot seem to shut my eyes and relax my brain. So I am sitting upright on my bed, back against the cold headboard. Lights are off with the light of my laptop illuminating my lonely room. Through my fogged window I hear cars passing by on a near street, people minding their own lives. Here I am, pondering mine.
It’s a bittersweet moment. I am starting a new chapter in my life, able to write a new story. Yet, I am fearful of taking a step forward into the unknown and knowing that I am doing it all on my own.
It’s time to grow up. Even more. I got this.
Happy 85th Birthday Maurice Sendak!
Anonymous asked: Just a concerned individual (: or maybe a secret admirer (sp?) (;
LOL. Thanks for your concern. I won’t be looking for anyone, anytime soon. Bye anonymous.
Anonymous asked: What a fool Paula is. Leaving someone who treated her like a queen. Im sorry man.
hahahahaha. Your questions/statements are quite entertaining. I like to think I treated her like a queen, but her decisions convey otherwise. Btw, she’s not a fool, what happens after the break up is her business. Not mine.
You’re such a concerned individual anonymous, who must you be?
Anonymous asked: Dont you think its fucked up though? How she kept this man a secret while in a relationship then ended it for him? You didnt deserve that. Or her. She played with you like she did with her past boyfs.
Okay, it’s another story to say she was talking to someone else while being with me. For now I do not know, and I do not want to assume.